Why putting yourself last is harmful to your relationships

Every relationship is like a scale - one of those old ones, with a tray on either side. And certain experiences from the past might have made you believe that a relationship only "works" (and that you can only be safe and loved) when the amount of effort you put in makes your tray drop straight to the floor. The thing is, when you just keep on giving while putting yourself last, you are not in a position to receive. And yes, my dear human, that is very much a problem indeed.

Putting yourself last causes disconnection

In a sustainable relationship, both trays are up in the air. And no, they do not have to be at the same height, and you also don't have to give or receive in the same way as the other person. This is not about creating some kind of perfect balance in any way AT ALL. But both parties should be given the opportunity to, through both giving and receiving, contribute to the relationship - the relationship being a separate entity you create and nurture together.

Putting yourself last causes disconnection; you are preventing the other person from putting something in their tray. For example, when you do not communicate what you want or need, you deprive the other person of the opportunity to be there for you and, if they want to, to try to meet your needs.

Let me give you an example from my own life, because I couldn’t believe there would ever actually be anything wrong with putting myself last until this happened.

Putting yourself last shuts the other person out

One cozy autumn evening, many years ago, my boyfriend got angry with me and I had no idea what I had done wrong. I truly believed I did the right thing by always tuning in with everyone involved whenever I was asked for my wants, needs or opinion, assuming what they might want and/or need, and basing my answer, what I ''wanted'', on all this information. And let me tell you, I was REALLY good at it. I was happy when everyone else was happy (yes, I was still confusing feeling safe with happy, but hey, don’t we all, from time to time?).

This was the first time my ingenious tactic didn’t work ... After telling my boyfriend something was totally fine (I can’t remember what exactly), I apparently didn’t act fine enough and it became clear to him that my words weren’t matching my actual feelings. And it hurt him.

As he explained to me: How can I really get to know you and love you and be there for you (aka connect with you, have a relationship with you), if you don’t share with me what you actually want or need!?

I guess he felt pretty left out and disconnected, and rightfully so. I WAS shutting him out, even though I totally believed that was the most loving thing I could do. It wasn’t. It was hurting him, it was hurting our relationship. (And of course it was also hurting me, but that little fact felt less important at the time.)

A relationship is like a dance

If you don’t vibe with the metaphor of a scale, you can also think of a relationship as a dance. If you don't take up your own space, you are just following the other person around on the dance floor - and that is not a partner dance, that is a polonaise (a kind of walking dance drunk Dutch people do that makes me want to move to another country). If you're not fully present, your partner can't sense you or hold you or help you take your next step.

Partner dancing is about tuning in, inviting, taking steps and responding. By not letting your wants and needs, likes and dislikes, be a (big enough) part of the relationship, you take a step backward, you disconnect, and consequently, the dance will come to a halt. The only way to get this dance going again is to step forward - in other words, to take up space, to communicate your needs and boundaries and/or express your opinion (even if you feel they’re weird or undue). This is how you re-establish your presence, resume the dance, and reconnect.

The most important thing to remember when you have a tendency to put yourself last

People are in a relationship with you because they want to connect with you. And that's not possible if you become some kind of energetic or emotional extension of them, or if you’re constantly fixing everything on your own - or at least trying to.

Also, although it probably feels like you are taking something away from a loved one when you share that you want, need or dislike something, you are actually giving them a gift: your complete, authentic self. And that is the only thing someone who loves you will ever really want from you. 💛